Music is powerful. I think more than any trigger, a song can bring me to my knees in grief. I don’t remember this sense being so powerful in any other time in my life. Today, I turned on my iPod and didn’t recognize the song that came up in the shuffle. I hit play, and the guitar started. This is Hannah’s Song, written by the nonprofit “Songs of Love.” My heart breaks when I hear it…oh, Hannah did have beautiful blue eyes. 01 Hannah McNutt – Songs of Love
We had a wonderful Mother’s Day yesterday. Wes and Greg took me to brunch at Ray’s Boathouse, a restaurant perched on the edge of Puget Sound looking toward Bainbridge Island. We had a fabulous table, right on the water in the corner. We lingered over our meal, enjoying the unseasonably warm weather.
After brunch, we went for a drive up the beach to a park called Golden Gardens. We are continuing to work with the parks district to determine where to put Hannah’s Seattle bench. One option is on the beach at this park. It appeared most of Seattle had the same idea to go to the beach. We decided on the spot that this park wasn’t the fit for her. Too crowded, too exposed.
We drove down to Discovery Park and confirmed that the beach down there is the perfect spot. Unfortunately the parks district has a restriction at Discovery Park. The good news is that we can have a bench in the location we love. The bad news is that we can’t have a plaque or marker in honor of Hannah. Since our hope is to have a place to snuggle on the beach and look west to Bainbridge, we decided that the bench was most important.
In the afternoon, Wes and I planted some flowers, and painted and assembled little balsam wood planes. We spent the rest of the afternoon flying our planes. We had such a great time at home and at the park. It was wonderful and filled with laughter. A fabulous sunset completed a beautiful day.
As I was getting ready to go to bed, I turned on NPR in the bathroom. “Sound Opinion” was on – one of my favorite weekly shows where they highlight music. The guys are usually really funny, and I learn new music. Last night, the feature was on mothers. I picked it up toward the end, and they were just introducing a little known song, “This Woman’s Work” by Kate Bush.
The song was created for a John Hughes movie in the ‘80s, “She’s Having a Baby.” I remember the movie vaguely – mostly Kevin Bacon and his crazy hair. The song apparently comes in at the end of the film as the wife struggles with child birth. It is a powerful, strong song, and hit me hard last night. After a day of joy, I was once again leveled to my knees in sadness. The ’80s music video features Kate and brings me back to such a long time ago.
This grief I feel day after day – it is beyond what I ever imagined. It never seems to creep in…it is always a huge, unexpected wave that knocks me off my feet, usually just for a minute. But when it does – it is a total and overwhelming wipe out. The wave has such power.
My final thought today is Wes’ song. The songwriter and singer is Sheira Brayer. We love her. She spent so much time with us on the phone last February, asking specific questions about our guy. She captured him. This song puts a smile on my face. 01 Wes McNutt – Song of Love 2012